This is a complicated time of year. The holidays mean that many people are gathering together with friends and family and those gatherings often bring up LOTS of feelings. Many of us revert to previous selves at least a little when we are around the folks that raised us and the people around us are often reverting at the same time. If we aren’t with the people who raised us but are instead with friends things can still be complex.
This year the national and international political climates mean that we are often sitting down to eat a meal with people we love but with whom we passionately disagree. That is a particular challenge that shows up to a degree every year but this year with genocide and the distress of the recent election showing up at the table with us, the stakes feel particularly high. (At Thanksgiving genocide is always at the table with us but for many it feels less acute).
This blog post is aimed at folks for whom there is going to be some sort of gathering for Thanksgiving or one of the winter holidays and for whom those gathering feels tough. There are some ways to mitigate the distress we feel in situations like holiday gatherings and I think it’s worth taking this month’s blog post to explore them.
So without further ado, here are five ways to survive holiday gatherings that don’t involve hiding under your covers until January:
Set Boundaries and enforce them
Setting boundaries is tricky and it is so so crucial. Decide before you go to a holiday gathering if you have lines about what you will and won’t talk about. Decide if you are comfortable with politics, if you are comfortable with food or diet talk, if you are comfortable with discussions of your job, of your partner(s) or lack of partner, of your body, etc. When/if those things come up, communicate to the people you are with that it’s off limits.
For example, I get extremely anxious and triggered when people say things that state or imply that they are paying attention to the volume of food I am eating or not eating. I’m at a moment in my life where I only really get well meaning comments (“Meg did you get enough potatoes? You only took a little bit.” etc) but any comment that indicates that someone is paying any attention to what I’m eating in any way triggers me and it’s hard for me to feel comfortable with food for the rest of the meal. This year, because of my move to NC, I’m having Thanksgiving with people I’ve never had a big meal with before. I plan to pick a few of them that I am close to and tell them about the food mentioning thing so that a) they don’t do it and b) they can help steer the conversation away if one of the people I am less close to does it.
I also have a few set responses if people bring up politics in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I decided that this year I don’t want to try to have difficult nuanced conversations about some of the tense topics of the day over pie so if things get brought up I plan to say, “I think that’s a really important topic and I am not sure we agree, maybe we should table this conversation for another time.” In this situation I am willing to engage on these issues just not while managing the complexity of eating a big meal with people I have just met (I’m eating with friends but some of their family members will be there and I have never met them). You may welcome these conversations or you may never want to have them even after the meal is done. Both of those are okay. Communicate with the people with whom you are eating if someone approaches or crosses a boundary.
Boundaries are different for everyone and that is perfectly fine. Be ready to speak up for yourself. If people step all over your boundaries, let them know it. Establish what you are comfortable with and rather than responding to whatever the statement it was that crossed the boundary, calmly re-state the boundary and move the topic someplace safe (see #3).
Sometimes it is not safe to speak up for yourself or restate a boundary. Sometimes it isn’t safe to even state a boundary. Please don’t do anything that would cause you physical or emotional harm. If your situation is unsafe I recommend minimizing the time you spend in that setting and leaning hard into the other items on this list.
Boundaries are hard but setting and enforcing them can make your experience of a holiday gathering 1000 times better.
Remember who you are
No matter how much spending time with your mother makes you feel like a kid again, you are not the same person you were when you were a child or a teen. Reverting back to who we were in the past is a very common, very unconscious, response to being around past caregivers or people who knew us when we were young. Family dynamics are often forged early and can be difficult to shift. While you are regressing, the people around you are probably also regressing and it can make for some messy interactions. Remember who you are now, and who you want to be. You have your own ideas, beliefs, passions, strengths, and ways of being. Checking in with who you are, not who you were, can be tremendously helpful. Remind yourself what lights you up at this phase of your life. Consider bringing something small with you to remind you (maybe something that fits in a pocket or purse) and use that to ground you. If that doesn’t feel useful, consider taking a mental snapshot of something that makes you feel grounded in your present and call that to mind when things are hard. You are strong and capable and so very much yourself in the present, let that knowledge steer you when it feels hard to be with people from the past.
Come armed with safe conversation topics
Hey Aunt Bernice, have you seen the new season of the Diplomat? Hey Dad, this is an amazing casserole, is it grandma’s recipe? Hey friend I rarely see, how is your golf game coming? These are just some (slightly silly) examples of safe conversational topics you can have cued up to change the subject if things get hard. Use your knowledge of the people you are with to come up with some engaging and low stakes conversation starters to steer things away from politics
Take breaks
When we spend holiday time with others, particularly when we are visiting someone else’s home, it can feel claustrophobic and like there is no personal space involved. Make some space. Find moments when you can be by yourself. Smokers have the advantage of being able to take smoke breaks but even for the rest of us there are ways to steal some time apart. Take a solo walk after dinner, step outside when the dog goes out, take a phone call (real or pretend), or even just go to the bathroom. Get some moments of solitude, they will serve you well.
Check in with your people
I also mentioned this as a strategy in my last post. If you have people in your life with whom you are close who remind you of who you are and want to be in the present, get in touch with them during the holidays. You can explicitly use them as support by telling them if there are any struggles in your holiday gathering or you can just have a conversation with them about any topic that helps remind you that you are not alone in the world. You are not the only one who thinks like you, or acts like you, or wants what you want. Connect to people who affirm you, it will help.
Holidays are hard but there are ways to mitigate the difficulty. I hope this post is helpful in doing that.
Have other holiday strategies that have served you well? Leave a comment and let me know about it!
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